Milk In The Batter

Nina Simone - I Wish I Knew How... (audio only)

2008-02-25T18:09:00.001-05:00

New Digs

2007-04-21T17:46:00.000-04:00

Hey, check out my new digs at: http://amyjay.wordpress.com/
I hope to see you over there.

Moving?

2007-04-20T21:29:00.000-04:00

I was checking out Wordpress; I found it frustrating. On the date and time formatting screen there were words on top of words making it annoying/impossible to decipher. I like how the date and time look on Blogger. Do they even display the time at Wordpress? And is it even possible to import my Blogger posts? How? I'd say it's not quite moving day yet.

Tryin to Get to U and Dat Booty

2007-04-20T10:55:00.001-04:00

For some reason this was really funny to me today.

aha moment

2007-04-19T11:07:00.000-04:00

My little sis is moving across the country next month; I am sad she is leaving. While, I am happy, excited, and hopeful for her new experiences and opportunities....what makes me sad is that she will probably never be back here to live (that's the reality, but, I could be wrong). Who ever made it okay to live apart from our family is a self-centered a**hole. I have a few people in mind when I rant about this. I don't have the energy to go into it. Besides I need to stop reliving that which I don't want in my life. This is me trying to let go (I know that is on my list #?). Living apart from ones family does not fit into my family concept. I guess that's the difference between theory and reality.
*******************************
There has been some interesting conversation on "the boards". These are lesbian women who have become pregnant through AI. They have found pregnancy is not all it's cracked up to be. I don't really know what I want to say about this....hum....let's see. I think this is one of those theory/reality conundrums I was speaking of before. In theory my (eventual) pregnancy will be glowing, healthy, and easier than it looks. In reality I may have horrible nausea, constipation, and hemorrhoids. In theory the birthing experience will be wonderful, amazing, and text book perfect. In reality I may have to throw my birth plan out the window. In theory when the baby arrives she or he will be healthy, we will easily bond, and the baby will breast feed with no problems. In reality I may be scared, blue, wondering what the hell I just did, and the unthinkable--I may hate breast feeding. No matter how bad one wants to be pregnant it is no fun to be nauseous, constipated, or any of the other (possible) unpleasant side effects. I think lesbian conception is so over thought/planned that there is a huge expectation...I don't know what I'm trying to say. But, I just imagine a mentality of "well, you asked for it". I want to be prepared (I want some type of realistic view of what I'm getting myself into) and I want it to be okay if pregnancy is not all that it's cracked up to be. My point is that nobody really understands what it is like until they are living it. I can try to imagine all day what it will be like to share my body with baby Z. I can try to imagine how my body will change; I can try to imagine how I will feel about that change. But, what I would really like to enter my pregnancy with no expectations...what ever the reality is--is what it is; and that's okay. Love it or hate it; good or bad. And there is my aha moment of the day (the reality is what it is and that's okay).

Black eyed peas: Where is the love

2007-04-18T16:05:00.001-04:00

I was searching for...something; I found this.

Dr. SS

2007-04-14T12:23:00.000-04:00

Speculum trouble round two--I knew I was in trouble the minute I saw who the fellow on call was...Dr. Sucky Spec. If she is considering specializing in any type of women's health (involving a vagina) someone should really tell her how bad she is with a speculum. Although, if this IUI is successful all will be forgiven.

Sperm stats:
40% motility
75% (3) forward progress
20.4 million
The sperm stats are what they are. This is the last we will use this donor (unless we get pregnant then we would want to add to our family using this donor; in that case we are buying it up). This donor has been very consistent. However, the motility is usually 50%.

I'm excited to be working with different timing. Hopefully this is the change in protocol that will make the difference. Only time will tell. 3hrs.past iui (3hr.pi)--Let the obsessing begin.

Fraggle Rock Intro

2007-04-12T15:07:00.001-04:00

#84

2007-04-12T13:44:00.000-04:00

I am putting a check mark by #84 on my list of 101 things in 1001 days. This reminds me to add #85 Learn more about the birds, trees, and flowers in my region.

No Pain, No Gain

2007-04-11T19:03:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day of job training. The next time I walk on that campus I will be considered a full-fledged staff member...OMG. The reality is the kids will try to make my time there pretty miserable. If I get through this trial/testing period I think it will be worth it. I will admit I have fantasized about taking the easy road....aha, a cushy nanny job. But, I really believe I have somethings to learn by working at this place (and some things to teach).

My S.I.S. last Fri. went well. My uterus is a normal shape, I have no fibroids, and my tubes are clear! I'm relieved the outcome was normal. I had an u/s yesterday showing many follies, including, one measuring at 16. I have another u/s tomorrow. I predict they will tell me to trigger tomorrow night and go in for the IUI on Sat. morning. I will be glad to be done with the gonal f--there is a lot of build up to the moment of injection. DP took me out for ice cream after I did my shot tonight:) I can't wait to get back into the tww. My goal is to replace any negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

DP and I made some great strides over the weekend. We worked together to clean sweep. We did some major negotiating, "you get rid of that; I'll get rid of this". Why do we even hold onto all the crap? We were taught to. Okay let me give you a glimpse of the crazy things I save i.e. dryer lint. Why dryer lint you may ask...well, if you put dryer lint into previously saved cardboard egg container and then melt the wax of no longer usable candles (fill the containers with the lint and wax) you will have the perfect fire starters for when you go camping. Have I actually ever made these? No. Did we go camping last year? No. Time to throw away the lint. Oh, the guilt.

What do you save?

101 in 1001

2007-04-07T12:37:00.000-04:00

This is my list of 101 things I would like to accomplish in 1001 days. (With the help of DP of course; she always says I rope her in to all my projects). Okay lets get real, I will highlight the tasks I will probably not be involved in, but, it will take me nagging DP to get them done. In 1001 days it will be Saturday, January 2nd 2010. This list will be added to as I think of things. The goals will be big and small, but, I am trying to be realistic.

Legend:
C- completed
S- started
SOG- started ongoing

In no particular order....

1. Spring clean/clean sweep. S
2. Combine office and guest bedroom. S
3. Turn the office into the babies room. S
4. Hire someone to re-carpet babies room. Note to DP: I want to delegate this, despite your wonderful carpet laying abilities.
5. Start collecting baby items, especially, books.
6. Before next winter--get duct work cleaned out (hire someone).
7. Create a healthy/welcoming environment for baby inside and out.
8. Re-do window ledges throughout the house.
9. Rip up hall carpet replace with wood flooring. C
10. Install a shower enclosure or tile it.
11. Patch walls were needed. Note to cats: our walls are not your scratching posts.
12. Re-do spice container, find another use for it, and put spices elsewhere.
13. Reupholster ottoman, again.
14. Re-do the sm. potato hutch that I got from Lucy's trash.
15. Make my own pendulums.
16. Do craft work in all areas: scrapbook, make jewelry, paint, etc...
17. Knit baby Z a blanket.
18. Make the fleece blanket I have the materials for.
19. Do something physical daily (even if it's just 15min of stretching).
20. Look into being a foster care parent.
21. Stay at may new job for at least a year.
22. Go to church. SOG
23. Attend to my spirituality outside of church.
24. Make/buy a instrument.
25. Go to drum circles.
26. Be in tune to, be aware of opportunities.
27. Take advantage of opportunities that present themselves.
28. Make my own opportunities.
29. Work on letting go. SOG
30. Take initiative to get things done.
31. Do more things on my own (don't ask DP to do them). SOG
32. Do more unexpected, nice things for DP.
33. Together with DP choose a boys name.
34. Prepare dogs for the arrival of the baby.
35. Expand vocabulary.
36. Apply to grad school.
37. Become more involved in the community i.e. attend classes, seminars, and symposiums.
38. Become more involved in the lesbian community i.e. get involved with the organization that brings new moms care packages etc...
39. Attend more pride functions.
40. Journal weekly. SOG
41. Make amends with my Grandmother.
42. Visit Fl. family (once a yr).
43. Bring DP with (save the extra $ it will cost, ask her to take time off work, and find a pet sitter).
44. Save money to rent a car when in Fl. Maybe even get our own hotel room/alternative accommodations, especially, when traveling with baby Z.
45. Be the best I can be every time I go to work i.e. decompress, deal with frustrations so I can be in the right frame of mind, be prepared to challenge the kids by planing activities/initiatives, and get over the whole money thing.
46. Get a second job to off-set the money thing.
47. Pick-up the chairs--UGH!!
48. Watch less t.v.
49. See the kids more often 1-2 times/month?
50. Cut down/cut out sweets.
51. Take steps to lower triglycerides.
52. Worry less.
53. Find/join a group of women on a similar spiritual path.
54. Experience a sweet lodge.
55. Plant an herb garden.
56. Use herbs and natural remedies.
57. Join the food co-op. Look into other farm/crop sharing options for seasonal fruits and veggies.
58. Find opportunities to barter goods and service.
59. Take a class.
60. Meditate daily.
61. Be more forgiving of myself and others.
62. Obtain things on my wish list i.e. a new purse, markers, wooden spoons, juicer, etc...
63. Get my kitchen aid mixer serviced (don't use it until you do).
64. Do a better job of staying in contact with family and friends.
65. Work on being more even keeled i.e. not such low lows.
66. Do independent research on topics I want to know more about i.e textiles, world religions, language, how color wonder paint markers and paper work etc...
67. Practice writing.
68. Don't go to any pyramid scam events, including, melaluka, candle parties, and the like.
69. Walk dogs more often. SOG
70. DP added, "accept DP for who she is". I asked her what she meant she said, "quit bitching about everything and accept the fact I chew with my mouth open". I don't know if I can do that; it is really disgusting. Well maybe working 2nd shift will help this because we will be eating together less. I really don't want baby Z to learn to chew with her mouth open; if DP continues baby Z surly will. I understand DP was raised in a barn, but, really.
71. I will take the x-mas tree down in a timely manner i.e. in Jan. (DP added this also).
72. Nag DP less.

More to come.........

73. Deal with the old screen door that I want to paint, hang, etc....
74. Improve spelling; stop making the same spelling mistakes over and over.
75. Hire independent company to test tap water.
76. Use gift certificates.
77. Pay library fines; return books on time.
78. Take shoes to the repair shop.
79. Get formal instruction on how to do my make-up at the spa. Pay particularly close attention to the best way to do my eyes.
80. Take photos (I don't need a new camera to do this).
81. Cut pieces for jean quilt (I do (not) need the rotary cutting system).
82. Revamp resume.
83. Don't procrastinate on list items.
84. Learn how to post pictures on my blog. C
85. Learn more about the birds, trees, and flowers in my region.
86. Continue to apply to jobs.

Semi-randomness

2007-04-05T18:01:00.000-04:00

DP and I have actually been arguing lately. I feel as if the stress of ttc is catching up with us. Somethings got to give. We have a long weekend to spend together, hopefully, we can use our time to love and grow together. We were just on our cycles at the same time; that's never good in our house. (And surprisingly it really does not happen all that often). Basically, we have no sympathy for each other and we are at each others throats.

My cd 3 blood work came back all within normal range for this point in my cycle (so says the NP):
FSH 3.6
TSH 1.74
Estrogen 26
Prolactin 16

Tests from a different doc.,
Glucose 76
Cholesterol 179
Triglycerides 219 (actually this is high; it should be less than 150). I really hate what I have to do to get this number to go down. My moms levels were over 500! She has had to take drastic measures (and believe me they are no fun). But, she is doing a good job making lifestyle changes for her health; good job ma!

My S.I.S. is tomorrow at 8:30am; wish me luck. I hope it goes quickly and painlessly. I have not had any negative symptoms from the femera to note. I start the gonal f this Sat. We are moving right along with this cycle. It's really amazing how fast it goes. Also, we decided to use the same donor for yet another cycle. I consulted the pendulum with this question. It was reveled to me that the sperm is not the problem; the timing is the problem. This is the only red head donor we agree on at this sperm bank. There are only 3. Using a different bank is not affordable. We are changing timing this cycle. We will go in for an IUI 36hrs. post-trigger (rather than 24hrs. post-t).

I want to draw your attention to a couple blogs I read....
Aspiring Baker, who got two pink lines on her 17th cycle!!!!
The Shape of a Mother, check it out if you have not.
Not to leave anyone out.

CD 1

2007-04-01T11:16:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm feeling quite different than I was just 24hrs. ago.

My mom's b-day party was a success. The food I ordered was on-time, tasty, and the right amount. Just about everyone that was invited showed up. My mom is loved by so many people. The piano player was awesome; I recommend hiring one for any event.

I am now day 1. How very convenient to have started on the first of the month; now I can easily keep track of what cd I am on. (Oh, I wish I could say April fools right about now). But, alas, on cd 3 I will have an u/s, b/w, and start femera. My S.I.S. is on Fri. cd 6. On cd 7 I start the gonal f. It looks like the timing for all these things is perfect i.e. it does not interfere with new job training. As of right now I don't have to worry about doing my injections at work.

I should go read some work stuff.

PPPM

2007-03-31T11:18:00.000-04:00

I'm having a poor me moment with relatively little prompting. (And now it's really spiralled). My mom's 50th b-day is today. One of her friends is not coming to her party due to the fact that today is the day of her baby shower. (Yes, my mom told me about the baby shower on the phone knowing I've had a slew of negative hpts (well, not really but, knowing I'm not pregnant this cycle)). I have some jealous toward this woman (A) in part due to her relationship to my mom. A is my age; why does my mom have to have friends that are my age? Why is there friendship better than anything I could even dream of with my mom? (Yes, I'm totally exaggerating there). Why does A seem like the daughter my mom wishes she could have? (This is all in my head). Why does A get the six figure salary, the perfect husband, and the baby? (The life I could possible please my mom with)? Why can't I be happy and content in my life? Why does it seem everyone has it better? Why can't I be happy for any ones success's? Well, in this bitter frame of mind my only solace is that A has had a horrible, puke-filled pregnancy. Why do I have to be such a Bee? Why can't I even be an intrinsically nice person? Why do I have to ask so many stupid, unanswerable questions? But, really, we all know what the point is....Why can't I be pregnant right now--puking and all? Grrr.

Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me

Rewind

2007-03-29T10:49:00.000-04:00

Gather the Women http://www.gatherthewomen.org/gtw/index.htm was an event I attended on St. Patricks Day. We celebrated the maiden, mother, and crone through various activities. One included choosing Medicine Cards, by: Jamie Sams & David Carson, for each (your maiden, mother, and crone).

For my maiden I choose the porcupine..."remind me, of innocence again, with every man a brother, each woman a friend...Your task is to find the pathway that is most beneficial for you and that uses your greatest talents...the reminder is, not to get caught in the chaos of the adult world where, fear, greed, and suffering are commonplace" (S & C 85-86).

For my mother I choose the rabbit, "...that they call those very fears to them to teach them lessons. What you resist will persist...What you fear most is what you will become...Stop talking about horrible things happening & get rid of "what if" in your vocabulary" (S & C 158).

For my crone I choose the salmon..."keeper of inner knowing, illuminate all that I can see, fill me with the love of learning, life's sacred wisdom offered to me" (S & C 232).

I mention the Medicine Cards because my experience with them prompted spiritual growth, a wonderful encounter, and amazing generosity. How can I explain this simply? Well, I was out of town the very next morning after Gather the Women, so, when B&M asked me what I wanted to do while on my visit (um, I really can't believe I thought I was going to stay with anyone else), I explained the type of store I thought I could find these cards at. M found two options; a couple days later B, M, and I went to check out the stores. The first store was it for me. I walked right in and found what I had come for (ooh, but did I want to pay $30 for it)?

As an afterthought I asked the owner of the store (B2) if she had anything for fertility (I'm not f-ing pregnant by the way...on to injectables...more on that later). I was thinking something like a statue for my alter. B2 asked me if I had ever done any pendulum work; I had not. To make a long story short the pendulum thing worked for me. I spent some time gathering crystals for my fertility medicine bag, at which time, I had become very attached to the pendulum I was working with (the pendulum was $29). These things were adding up, and you can imagine that someone who had not worked since November had no business buying the $30 cards let alone anything else. But, I'll do just about (okay I don't know how to cross out words so just imagine that I crossed out the two words--just about) anything in the name of fertility, so, I was willing to shell out the dough. Well, B&M treated me to all the things I had selected!! Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you B&M.

The encounter with B2 was wonderful. I had an instant love for her. I pray everyday that our paths cross again...soon.

J-O-B

2007-03-25T23:56:00.000-04:00

I practiced all week staying up until midnight; thanks B&M for support with that:) Apparently, it has paid of as it is now midnight and I am wired. I'll just give one good/one bad about the new job for now. The good: I loved all the kids. The bad: It won't take long to figure out what staff I won't want to work with. I will just have to stay long enough to have my own group so, I can run it how I want to run it. Yes, newbie optimism abounds.

I have so many other lovely things going on--some I've yet to wrap my head around. I will, however, come back when I've figured it out.

Can't believe...

2007-03-15T07:20:00.000-04:00

On the J-O-B front:

I met K yesterday during lunch time; it turned out to be a very productive meeting. K helped me draft a counter offer. Thank-you K:) I wrote it down word for word. I told her I would not be able to add any other words (so true of me). So, I tried to make a counter offer, but, failed miserably. This is what I said, "I really want to accept this position. My only hesitation is the rate of pay your starting me out as. I really need $XX per hour. Is that something your willing to lobby for--for me"? I made some other really good points, including the fact, that they completely discounted my 13yrs. of nanny experience (he totally admitted to this); when in fact my nanny experience is directly related to this position (he totally admitted to this). This could have been a good paying position for me. I would have been dedicated for--I don't know possibly 13+yrs. but no. I blame the universe, f the law of attraction. I just can't get a break anywhere. He said HR puts my info into there "formula" thereby determining my pay rate--they do not negotiate. He supposedly had no idea what the formula involved or consisted of. Believe it or not I took the damn job. Imagine...my tail between my legs, and me slinking away defeated.

I will say this again (maybe I will listen): The money is not the point. I need a new experience. I need to be challenged. (and being challenged by an over-indulged, spoiled six-year-old is not what I had in mind). I need to work for my sanity. I need to contribute something financially to the household. Pay increases do not equate job satisfaction. Large salaries do not equate personal happiness. In fact the more money one has the more worries they have. Less is more. Okay so I have a J-O-B. I am going to forget about the money. But, it is just so frustrating to know that I could have, should have started out at more--but, I'm not. The story of my life. Can I get over this? No, I hold on to shit for a long, long time...forever really. This would really be a good time to work on LETTING GO. Oh, thank-you universe for providing an opportunity for me to work on letting go. Why does gratitude have to be so difficult?

So, I can't believe I took the job. I can't believe I bought a plane ticket to go visit my fam down south. I can't believe I actually felt ovulation pains on my right side for the first time that I can remember. You didn't think I would go a whole post without talking about ttc did you? 1dpi, 13 more to go.

Done deal

2007-03-14T08:43:00.000-04:00

1, 2, 3 like a bird I sing. 'Cause you've given me the most beautiful set of wings... Gotta love Tim McGraw. "Your beautiful baby from the outside in..."

Okay, so I talked to my DD after I wrote the previous post. He has the wonderful ability to put things into perspective. He reminded me that money is not everything. This happens to be the point. I know from experience that a pay increase does not equal job satisfaction. I can make more money as a nanny, but that is not the point....I need to have a new experience. D you give great advice, the delivery is so loving, and I love and appreciate you.

My insem went well:) It's a done deal; we are back in the tww. DP had me rolling in the doc's office. She said, "no I will not make out with you". But she did;) Okay, you want some facts? 22mil. sperm; 5o% motility; 80%,3 forward progress. This donor has been consistent. Now we wait. After the insem we went to eat frozen yogurt with strawberries, peaches, and mango (my favorite thing to do after an insem) Yum! Thank-you DP. On our way back to the car I stopped to pick up two pennies; DP said, "heads up; twins"! That would sure alleviate the stress of ttc #2 (which, of course one has to plan). I could get it done at once. Getter done. Okay, when the heck did I become such a billy? Ttc #1....focus.

I'm off to have lunch with a friend.

WTF!

2007-03-13T18:02:00.000-04:00

WTF! The job offer was even lower than I expected. So, low I might have to decline. Why can't anything go right for me? Universe? Law of Attraction? I don't know what the f*ck to do. I do know I am pissed.

In other news...I had my ultrasound today. I had 5 measurable/mature follies on the right side (some 19s and one 25). I cried about it. Last cycle I had around 8 or 9. I know it only takes one. And that 25 is big and juicy. Ovulation is on its way (with a little help)--NP gave me an ovidril shot. I asked the NP based on how I respond to clomid how does she think I will respond to femera. She said, I would have less follies. Why the f*ck would I want that? So, if I did get prego it would be less scary i.e. reduced risk of multiples. Multiples? I'm not scared of multiples...I'm scared of not getting pregnant.

Well, fear aside my insem is tomorrow at 9:45am. Please send positive vibes; I need them. I'll also take any advice on this pathetic job offer (I could make more money collecting cans). Sorry I had to use the f-word so many times today, but, man somethin's gotta give.

F,S,W

2007-03-12T10:10:00.000-04:00

I am so frustrated, stressed, worried about so many things right now. One of the side effects of this worry is complete paralysis: my inability to get anything done. How am I ever going to ovulate normally this cycle with all this worry?

1. I worry for C and her future. Unfortunately, I worried about her from 3am-5:30am. When I woke up I typed a page on what I think she needs to do to get her life in order...I wish I knew what to do to get my own life in order. I should have gotten up at 3am to typed what I was thinking. Update: I talked with C. While, the conversation went well, I have no idea if it had any effect. She has a long road ahead of her. I wish I could drop everything, go down there, and "fix" everything. There is a benefit to me being up here i.e. I have not had to deal with C and her erratic behavior so, I'm not at my wits end with her. In a way I'm not emotionally involved so I am able to stay partial. I am mostly focused on solutions. I have 100% confidence in her recovery, ability, and success (when ever it actually begins). I definitely would love to hear experiences, advice, and ideas about dealing with someone with addiction issues.

2. I am in charge of ordering the food for my mom's 50th (yes, she is young). Yes, ordering the food is a stressful prospect for me. She asked me what I was going to order, so, I told her. She hated it all. I was going to order: a fruit-, vegetable-, cheese tray, chicken skewers, shrimp platter, and a red velvet cake. The only thing she liked was the fruit tray because we are going to have a chocolate fountain (and yes she had something to say about the kind of chocolate). She was thinking dove or ghirardelli. I honestly feel like I am back at square one. And truthfully, no matter what I would have said it would not have been right, good enough, or okay. I told her this is just food for a party this is not a measure of how much I love her. I asked her to please not rate me as a daughter based on what food I order. She says, "why do you always have to be so intense".

3. My frustration is surrounding the job I am trying to obtain. They are in no hurry to actually hire anyone, yet, It is really my only lead. I need to work; I need money. They have called my references and I hope to hear something this week. Actually, I am going to call tomorrow. So, will I get the job? Will I be any good at the job if I get it? Will my personal safety be compromised in this position? Why am I trying so hard for a 2nd shift position, with bad pay, and possibly crappy working conditions? The biggest downfall is that my mom does not support the position--at all. DP says, "follow your own passion...not your mothers". Update: R, the person doing the hiring, called today to find out if I had all my paperwork together (I do); R said he would talk with HR and call me within two days with a formal job offer. Pray it's a doable salary, considering it's a non-profit. DP supports me (to quit) if...I find out the position is not for me. I think I may be painting a perfect picture of my loving DP...well, had you smelt her stinky ass, and her even stinkier lunch of black bean burgers and greens--you all would really see what I have to deal with around here.

Other issues on my mind....

4. Ovulation and waiting for a positive OPK.
5. I have not had soda in 3days. It sucks! It is the new thing I'm giving up. Next on the list: sweets. On a normal day I eat a cadbury egg (I've eaten about two dozen since they brought them out early around Halloween), 3-5 cookies, and ice cream. I love cake, cookies, and pie. Oh, my all time favorite....Donuts!! Thinking of the donut I could have after the church service in the social lounge got me out of bed early (even on a spring ahead day). Also, the days before AF appears my sweets consumption triples. I don't want baby Z to be a sweet addict. So, what is my strategy for when I crave sweets? 1. I will drink a glass of ovaltine. Wow, ovaltine has quite the history it has been manufactured in the U.S. since 1915; it was originally called ovomaltine. 2. I'm not giving up ice cream in moderation...plus, think of all the calcium I'll be getting. Hum, I guess that's not really a plan.

I'm stopping now before I go off on another tangent (oooh think trig. functions).

Sunday

2007-03-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, we drove by the church we go to when we go to church. DP said, "we should go to church more often". I said, "well, we could start tomorrow"! The subject was dropped. During our family walk with the dogs after dinner, DP said, "lets go to church tomorrow, go home eat lunch, and then walk at the local state park". Did a UFO abduct my wife in the middle of the night and switch her with a compliant clone? This is my idea of the perfect Sunday morning; I would love, love it if this was our new routine. I would love it even more if it were a routine DP supported and wanted to be involved in.

C cont...

2007-03-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

The protocol for plan C also includes cd3 blood work (estradiol, FSH, prolactin, and thyroid stimulating hormone). I also have a sonohysterogram scheduled, after AF before surge; in which, saline is injected via catheter through the cervical opening. The whole kit-n-caboodle is viewed with a sonogram. I am still trying to figure out the logistics of the procedure...a speculum, a catheter, and the wand--all at the same time? But, like B says, hopefully I won't need plan C. Thank-you B.

Plan C & D

2007-03-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

Today was my appointment with the RE.

I left the office with the "purple folder". That means we are getting more aggressive, pulling out the big guns so to speak. So, if after this cycle I am not pregnant we move on to plan C. We will switch to Femera coupled with Gonal F--it's called a hybrid cycle.

Having a plan gives me renewed optimism.

The Gonal F costs $597.99/cycle. Pray that my insurance will cover it; my insurance has been wonderful so far. Hopefully, we don't have to go down this road....and this cycle will be the cycle I get pregnant.

After 3cycles of injectables (Gonal F), on to plan D, !^#.....I'm not ready to utter those letters. Yes, this is a long way from the unmedicated cycles, at home, with a mid-wife inseminations I once desired. Oh, the plan A days. Now, I will do what ever it takes...dope me up.

DP and I met for lunch to further discuss the plan. She said, "you need to go get a credit card".

From Above

2007-03-05T12:32:00.000-05:00

Last week I had a dream...six numbers were revealed to me. So, I went out and did what anyone, who had six numbers revealed to them, would do; I bought a lottery ticket. This was the 2nd time I ever bought a lottery ticket. I did not win the lottery, despite using positive thinking/law of attraction techniques obtained from the book, "The Secret". I imagined my numbers on the balls, I herd my wining numbers being called out, and I saw my winning numbers displayed on the television. Further, I acted as if I had already won (except actually spending the money). I did, however, plan out exactly what I would do with the money I now had, what I would buy (i.e. a hybrid not a hummer), who I would help, and how.

Fast forward a couple days...
I'm in the library. I come across a book that I thought to be perfect in my quest of becoming a better, more informed parent; it is called "100 Promises to My Baby" by: Mallinka Chopora. I love this book. I recommend it to anyone that is or is going to be a parent, teacher, or child-care provider. As I was reading, one of the promises struck a cord in me. I immediately thought, "I am going to copy this page and share it with my mother". I glanced up at the number it was 11 (one of my numbers from above). I thought, "how funny". I continued reading on, when another one of the promises particularly struck a cord in me. This one was something I really need to work on, perhaps even before the baby Z is born. Yes, this promise was associated with another one of my numbers from above.

I don't know if all six numbers will correlate with a promise that I need to work on, meditate with, or contemplate or if the other 4 numbers will be revealed to have some other meaning in my life.

Thank-you God for giving me this time in my journey to become the person, wife, and parent I want/need to be. Thank-you for leading me to this book.

P.S.
I've had enough time please send baby Z (from above) this month--she would be a Sagittarius just like her muma (DP) and that works in our family. Note: DP would be saying, "he". Hopefully, if I get my way it will be baby "Z" either way.

Here is the TTC update: try #8, I am cd7, 3rd day of clomid 50mg, apt. with RE cd9 to discuss long term conception plans, u/s cd15, insem cd16--tentatively.

Book List

2007-03-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

Copied from: Fostering Pride

I figured this would be a good way to keep track of books I want to read (it may even motivate me to read some of them). I have a life time reading list....some where.

Instructions: in bold=have read the book; in italics=want to read the book; with pound#=own the book; with asterisks*=unfamiliar with the book; with XX=really no desire to read.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)*
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)*
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)#
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)*
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)#
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)*
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)*
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)#
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)#
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)#
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)#
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)*
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)XX
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) I Love Ayn Rand
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)*
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)*
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)*
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)*
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)*
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)XX
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)#
45. Bible#
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)*
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)#
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)*
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)#
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)*
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)*
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) Notes from Underground is a fav.
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)XX
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davies)*
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)*
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70.The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)#
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)#XX
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)*
73. Shogun (James Clavell)*
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)XX
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)*
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)*
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)*
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)*
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)#
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)*
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)*
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)*
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)XX
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)*
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)*
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)#
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)*
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd) #
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)XX
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)XX
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)# Love it!
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Reprieve

2007-02-26T16:24:00.000-05:00

I mourned my BFN all day Friday.
Luckily I had a reprieve from my sorrow.

I have been trying to find a job...not a nanny job. I really want to work with a different population of kids, for example, kids from a different socioeconomic status. I have been sending out applications via U.S. mail, and Internet; I have been averaging around 10/week over the past 3month. Well, someone finally read MY application and wanted to interview me. So, the interview was today. I was there for two hours.

There are many pros and cons to this position.

The pros:
1. Increased interaction with adults.
2. Helping children who otherwise would not have first rate care.
3. The opportunity to touch more lives.
4. The opportunity to be challenged.
5. The ability to be a member of a treatment plan team.
6. I'm qualified.
7. It's relevant to my degree.
8. It's a short commute.

The cons:
1. Possible dangerous work environment. Is this conducive to TTC? Is it even possible to do while pregnant?
2. Its 2nd shift.
3. Its non-profit i.e. the pay sucks.
4. It is religiously affiliated; I could not be out at work. I have always been out at work. I hate the idea of not being out at work.
5. The possibility that I would not be good at this job.
6. Having to support the program--What if I don't like the program?
7. My family does not support me in this position or any other low paying job for that matter.
8. At this point it is a temporary on-call position. A full time position should open up soon. This position has a high turn over rate.

Well, we will see if they even offer me the position. At this point I feel like I would take the position if they offer it to me. Speaking of positions....I wish I was in the position to start taking clomid, but, nooooooooooo I have not even started AF yet. If I am going to start, I want to start now. I have had negative dollar store hpt 13,14, and 15dpi. I am out of tests.

Sorrow

2007-02-23T12:12:00.000-05:00

Well, what can I say? It's another BFN. I am devastated.

This is the first time I have felt as if my body had betrayed me. Normally, I just blame it on the .5cc of frozen sperm. Come to think of it doctor harry arms was sucking up the sperm into the catheter then squeezing it back out violently. He did it like 5 times; he said he was trying to get all the specimen into the catheter. But, I think he was just killing sperm.

And K...I don't know if you read this and if you do I'm sorry I'm not saying this to your face (and I'm not going to bother you on your vacation). But, It really is common knowledge that women who are having a hard time ttc are generally sensitive to everybody elses "wonderful news of conception". Unless it is a family member or a close close close friend--I don't want to know. Sorry if I have to wallow in my own sorrow of not being pregnant but, it is very difficult to be happy for everyone, and their mother, and the lady next door, and her thirteen-year-old crack addicted niece that are all knocked up. I do not consider L&R my friends. And I would be 110% surprised if they considered K&I their friends. Please don't tell them my business. And I'm sorry if you take offense to this as I'm not really mad at you--I am mad at the fact that other people are pregnant and I am not.

I hate when I feel as if our conception plans are in sync with the Universe; I hate when I see a sign in everything....and then it turns out to mean absolutely nothing. For example, this was my conception month, baby Z's due date would have been my birthday, according to the Farmers Almanac (thanks S) the day to "breed" was the day we did our insem (don't ask me how I became such a billy), and I had (what I believed to be) a wonderful meditation session last night where I drew the mother and child amulet. Indicating that I was ready to receive. I have recently been meditating on making a space for baby on the inside...not just preparations for the outside.

DP says, "It will happen for us", "I don't want you to be sad", and "I love you". Thank-you babe for the sensitivity, support, and love. I do feel the love.

So, we will do one more cycle on this protocol...50mg of clomid cd5-9, trigger, and prometrium beginning 2days after surge. Oh, and this maybe the last cycle with this donor. I have gotten pregnant by this donor before ending in m/c so, I think 6 times no live birth and your out. I'm sad to change donors. This donor was the only one who is as close to a true red head as they have. Going to another bank is not an option as it only costs $225/vile + $80 for shipping. Other banks cost a lot more or they get ya with shipping charges. I want a red head donor. I'm not even sure if I could make a red headed baby, but, that's not really the point. I wonder if I would be so stressed if this where not costing us so much money.

Okay, two more points:
1. Thanks to "The Secret" I now believe I am attracting all this non-pregnantness. Thanks, I needed the extra guilt. Oh, how wonderful, now, I'll attract more situations where extra guilt will arise. I'm sure my mother will call with in a matter of minutes to help me with this "add on extra guilt project".

2. Well, now I forgot number two.

God/dess

2007-02-17T07:41:00.000-05:00

Thank-you for making sure I had enough money to buy all the things I wanted yesterday.

Thank-you for giving me the steadfast to send off three applications yesterday (no matter how frustrated I was in getting all the info together)...I told the UPS person I would come back in and say, "Hi" when I got the job. That was after I told him I was half tempted to just shred my application. To which he replied, "we have a paper shredder". I thought he was being very helpful.

Thank-you for letting the UPS person talk me into mailing my stuff from their location...it was worth not letting myself be frustrated in the post office.

Thank-you for my local bagel shop...bagel shop you make the best bagels. Yum!

Thank-you for making it sunny yesterday...it could really be a much grayer winter.

Thank-you for this awesome pineapple that I bought yesterday...it is delicious. Thank-you J for helping me pick it out...I now know how to choose a ripe pineapple.

Thank-you for giving me the strength to continue to be a non-smoker for more than a year...after 15yrs. of smoking I never imagined being a non-smoker. Maybe I should start imagining things I never imagined.

Thank-you for giving me the love, support, and acceptance of my family and DP's family...without their support I don't know where DP and I would be.

Thank-you for today...

I'm off to do today.
Have a great day.

u/e

2007-02-14T09:15:00.000-05:00

The "good" things about being unemployed are few and far between, but, being home with DP when she has a snow day is by far the best. Oh, and to top-it-all-off it's Valentine's Day.

Thank-you to my neighbor J who plowed our driveway. That was the hook-up! We would have been shoveling for hours. I will make you some brownies and bring them over this evening. We should really hang out some time.

Back in...

2007-02-11T12:13:00.000-05:00

We had our insem. yesterday at 10:30am. It went smoothly. DP took me out for brunch afterwards....I think we picked a name! I am soooo excited. So, I am officially 1dpi; I am back in the saddle again. Please give me the strength to be patient in this tww. Here's to round 7...lucky number 7. I have to start the prometrium tonight. Yuck! Oh, the things we will do to conceive.

Oh yeah, DP cousin and her boyfriend invited us over for dinner last night. It was soooo nice. We had a good time playing Mexican train...and I had the least points:) It was the first time we went out to their house. I had ovulation pains...beginning at 5pm. So, our timing is looking good. Funny how I can always bring a conversation back to ttc;)

Yum!

2007-02-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

I just made one of my favorite lunches:

Amy's tomato bisque soup
Mac-n-cheese spirals
Goat cheese
Red pepper chunks

Yes, mixed altogether. When I'm on a ttc break I always do/eat things I won't be able to do/eat when prego. For example, I eat tons of goat cheese.

I also made a yummy brown rice dish last night...I should post the recipe.

My surge line is getting darker; a positive OPK is right around the corner.

INFJ

2007-02-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

...copied from frog's blog, a fellow INFJ.

I italicized points that I strongly relate to at this point in time.

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
By: Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn (yes).

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates (and I thought it was the clomid). This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).
I am just beginning to understand the scope of this aspect--as a result of doing hospice care for a wonderful woman who will be missed.

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills (um..no..I wish). Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively. I need to read more about the career related INFJ info--I am so lost/stunted in this aspect of life.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Copyright © 1996-2007 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

Plan on it?

2007-01-31T11:24:00.000-05:00

While, I was unsure if I wanted to insem this month...we are going ahead with preparations (clomid, ordering vials, and making apts). DP felt we should just plan on it; then when we get to insem day we have a choice to do it or not.

14dpi

2007-01-23T16:21:00.000-05:00

BFN.

DP was so sure about this cycle...so was I. I feel like I'm letting her down. Can't anything go right for us? I know, I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

I had no tears to cry.

I cried all my tears this a.m. after caring overnight for a wonderful, amazing woman dying of cancer. With all this suffering, struggle, and injustices--I'm really questioning my faith. And I had only just begun praying regularly.

10dpi

2007-01-19T15:28:00.000-05:00

I can't wait to test...in 3 or 4 days! I am optimistic. I am operating on blind faith here as I have no symptoms to speak of. I have a job interview--finally. I feel like things are falling into place.

Book

2007-01-14T14:33:00.001-05:00

Copied from An Accident of Hope:

Find the nearest book.
Name the author & title.
Turn to page 123.
Post sentences 6-8.
Tag 3 people.

Searching for Mary Poppins: Women Write About the Intense Relationship Between Mothers and Nannies; by: Susan Davis and Gina Hyams.

"Such a strong and long relationship should not have come to such a poignant and abrupt end, and that end should not have been influenced as much as it was by the world outside our home. A childcare provider whose own upbringing had been more flexible might not have Allison's strong work ethic. She might also not have had her innate sense that one system of belief, and only one, was right" (123).

I'm only 17 pages into this book. I like the book; I should go read it now. My mom gave it to me for Christmas. It shows she is really paying attention to the type of books I like, generally non-fiction. One year she actually gave me a book entitled Bitch--for Christmas! I thought it was passive aggressive...well, maybe minus the passive. We are getting along much better now.

Off to read!

P.S. I don't know how one "tags" someone; I would probably skip it any way.

Benefits

2007-01-14T07:59:00.000-05:00

I am frustrated because people are fighting in court to take away my same-sex partner benefits as offered by the public schools. They say, "using public funds for same-sex partner benefits violates Michigan's Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)". Granted this is nothing new--this case has a history dating back to 2003 (I think). It was, however, heard/rehashed in the Michigan Supreme Court this past week. If I could find a decent article about it I would know more. It is so frustrating that people are working to take away benefits from a small, small group of people (I think only 12 couples in the whole district). People should be fighting to ensure more people in our district are insured. I don't want to lose my benefits.

Slow but Sure

2006-12-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

I went to a program that is profiling a variety of local healers. Last night the healer speaking was a DO/Acupuncturist. Because I am in the market for an acupuncturist, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to learn more. The talk was wonderful, although, what I took away from the talk was not what I expected. One reason is, while, I had expected the talk to be about acup., it was more about his path in becoming a healer. And what an interesting path indeed. The points I'd like to remember about this talk are:

1. People, experiences, and circumstances shape lives in profound ways; where seemingly minor encounters have huge impacts. There were people he considered mentors--people he wanted to emulate, people he wanted to learn from. I want a mentor (yes, winning voice, stomping foot, and throwing myself on the floor....flailing).

2. The responsibility of a healer according to JW, "is to help people get in line with their mind, body, and spirit...it's to help them find their destiny." This hit home because I am suffering/struggling to find my destiny. He was 30 when he went to DO school (at 31 there may be hope for me yet). My mom is 50; when she was my age she did not have what she has now. I should not expect myself to have what she has...she worked 50yrs. to get it. hummmmm....stop worrying you will find your path....hummmmm.

3. You have to get what you want. School, for example, offers a core set of knowledge at its most basic. If you want more you have to search for it, ask for it.

Thank-you mom for inviting me to go to the talk with you; I love you.

The acup. I talked to in regard to my fertility seemed okay. While it is true I want/expect a quick fix in preparation for my tentatively scheduled IUI on Dec. 6th; it seems it does not work this way. She recommends seeing someone for about 3months before ttc (she is willing to work under different circumstances). She said she would recommend seeing me 2x a week before my IUI, but, of course has no apts. available until after the new year. When she talked about how acup. could aid fertility she mentioned hormone level stabilization, increasing uterine lining, and other medical factors surrounding fertility. I wanted more talk about chi or something. I think my problem exists in my mind, thus, causing blockages in my body. I have contacted two shamans; I am disappointed no one has gotten back to me.

But, let's get real, the problem could be the teeny tiny amount (.5cc) of once frozen, swimmers I inseminate each month. Maybe I should use 2 vials each insem.

DP take on the acup. is not good due to the cost ($120 initial consult, $75 an hour/4x a month). That is the cost of 2 vials. Although, she is willing to give it more consideration if I think it will get us prego faster.

Not Positive

2006-11-22T09:57:00.000-05:00

3 negative HPT's
2 buckets of tears
1 positive, loving, and supportive DP

In the big picture it's not all that bad. I'm very fortunate to have her. DP says we will try until it happens; she is sure that it will happen. I'm sure to. Not to say there won't be a plethora of fears, tears, and mourning.

I'm going to look into acupuncture for next cycle.
I'm going to reevaluate my eating habits.
I'm going to reintroduce exercise.

I have a plan...that helps.

I'll Do It To

2006-11-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
No.
Explanations.

Not as easy as you might think...

1. Yourself: Here
2. Your girlfriend: Wonderful
3. Your hair: Short
4. Your mother: Smart
5. Your dog: Odd
6. Your favorite item: Ring
7. Your dream last night: Lost
8. Your favorite drink: Ovaltine
9. Your dream car: Volvo
10. The room you are in: Living
12. Your fear: Loss
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Sane
14. Who you hung out with last night: Myself
15. What you're not: Pregnant
16. Muffin: Cherry
17: One of your wish list items: Understanding
18: Time: Three
19. The last thing you did: Eat
20. What you are wearing: Jeans
21. Your favorite weather: Crisp
22. Your favorite book: Lesson
23. The last thing you ate: Roll
24. Your life: Struggle
25. Your mood: Sad
26. Your best friend(S): Good
27. What are you thinking about right now? Class
28. Your car: Dirty
29. What are you doing at the moment?: Worring
30. Your summer: Hawaii
31. Your relationship status: Sucessful
32. What is on your TV?: MTV
33. What is the weather like?: Gray

Here I am

2006-11-20T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am going to try this one more time. This time I will: a) write down my password so I don't have to remember the damn thing, b) not mess with the settings beyond the point of repair, and c) try not to impress anyone with fancy language, writing style, or humor. If you want witty...insert clever title, saying, or phrase here.