Sorrow

Well, what can I say? It's another BFN. I am devastated.

This is the first time I have felt as if my body had betrayed me. Normally, I just blame it on the .5cc of frozen sperm. Come to think of it doctor harry arms was sucking up the sperm into the catheter then squeezing it back out violently. He did it like 5 times; he said he was trying to get all the specimen into the catheter. But, I think he was just killing sperm.

And K...I don't know if you read this and if you do I'm sorry I'm not saying this to your face (and I'm not going to bother you on your vacation). But, It really is common knowledge that women who are having a hard time ttc are generally sensitive to everybody elses "wonderful news of conception". Unless it is a family member or a close close close friend--I don't want to know. Sorry if I have to wallow in my own sorrow of not being pregnant but, it is very difficult to be happy for everyone, and their mother, and the lady next door, and her thirteen-year-old crack addicted niece that are all knocked up. I do not consider L&R my friends. And I would be 110% surprised if they considered K&I their friends. Please don't tell them my business. And I'm sorry if you take offense to this as I'm not really mad at you--I am mad at the fact that other people are pregnant and I am not.

I hate when I feel as if our conception plans are in sync with the Universe; I hate when I see a sign in everything....and then it turns out to mean absolutely nothing. For example, this was my conception month, baby Z's due date would have been my birthday, according to the Farmers Almanac (thanks S) the day to "breed" was the day we did our insem (don't ask me how I became such a billy), and I had (what I believed to be) a wonderful meditation session last night where I drew the mother and child amulet. Indicating that I was ready to receive. I have recently been meditating on making a space for baby on the inside...not just preparations for the outside.

DP says, "It will happen for us", "I don't want you to be sad", and "I love you". Thank-you babe for the sensitivity, support, and love. I do feel the love.

So, we will do one more cycle on this protocol...50mg of clomid cd5-9, trigger, and prometrium beginning 2days after surge. Oh, and this maybe the last cycle with this donor. I have gotten pregnant by this donor before ending in m/c so, I think 6 times no live birth and your out. I'm sad to change donors. This donor was the only one who is as close to a true red head as they have. Going to another bank is not an option as it only costs $225/vile + $80 for shipping. Other banks cost a lot more or they get ya with shipping charges. I want a red head donor. I'm not even sure if I could make a red headed baby, but, that's not really the point. I wonder if I would be so stressed if this where not costing us so much money.

Okay, two more points:
1. Thanks to "The Secret" I now believe I am attracting all this non-pregnantness. Thanks, I needed the extra guilt. Oh, how wonderful, now, I'll attract more situations where extra guilt will arise. I'm sure my mother will call with in a matter of minutes to help me with this "add on extra guilt project".

2. Well, now I forgot number two.