F,S,W

I am so frustrated, stressed, worried about so many things right now. One of the side effects of this worry is complete paralysis: my inability to get anything done. How am I ever going to ovulate normally this cycle with all this worry?

1. I worry for C and her future. Unfortunately, I worried about her from 3am-5:30am. When I woke up I typed a page on what I think she needs to do to get her life in order...I wish I knew what to do to get my own life in order. I should have gotten up at 3am to typed what I was thinking. Update: I talked with C. While, the conversation went well, I have no idea if it had any effect. She has a long road ahead of her. I wish I could drop everything, go down there, and "fix" everything. There is a benefit to me being up here i.e. I have not had to deal with C and her erratic behavior so, I'm not at my wits end with her. In a way I'm not emotionally involved so I am able to stay partial. I am mostly focused on solutions. I have 100% confidence in her recovery, ability, and success (when ever it actually begins). I definitely would love to hear experiences, advice, and ideas about dealing with someone with addiction issues.

2. I am in charge of ordering the food for my mom's 50th (yes, she is young). Yes, ordering the food is a stressful prospect for me. She asked me what I was going to order, so, I told her. She hated it all. I was going to order: a fruit-, vegetable-, cheese tray, chicken skewers, shrimp platter, and a red velvet cake. The only thing she liked was the fruit tray because we are going to have a chocolate fountain (and yes she had something to say about the kind of chocolate). She was thinking dove or ghirardelli. I honestly feel like I am back at square one. And truthfully, no matter what I would have said it would not have been right, good enough, or okay. I told her this is just food for a party this is not a measure of how much I love her. I asked her to please not rate me as a daughter based on what food I order. She says, "why do you always have to be so intense".

3. My frustration is surrounding the job I am trying to obtain. They are in no hurry to actually hire anyone, yet, It is really my only lead. I need to work; I need money. They have called my references and I hope to hear something this week. Actually, I am going to call tomorrow. So, will I get the job? Will I be any good at the job if I get it? Will my personal safety be compromised in this position? Why am I trying so hard for a 2nd shift position, with bad pay, and possibly crappy working conditions? The biggest downfall is that my mom does not support the position--at all. DP says, "follow your own passion...not your mothers". Update: R, the person doing the hiring, called today to find out if I had all my paperwork together (I do); R said he would talk with HR and call me within two days with a formal job offer. Pray it's a doable salary, considering it's a non-profit. DP supports me (to quit) if...I find out the position is not for me. I think I may be painting a perfect picture of my loving DP...well, had you smelt her stinky ass, and her even stinkier lunch of black bean burgers and greens--you all would really see what I have to deal with around here.

Other issues on my mind....

4. Ovulation and waiting for a positive OPK.
5. I have not had soda in 3days. It sucks! It is the new thing I'm giving up. Next on the list: sweets. On a normal day I eat a cadbury egg (I've eaten about two dozen since they brought them out early around Halloween), 3-5 cookies, and ice cream. I love cake, cookies, and pie. Oh, my all time favorite....Donuts!! Thinking of the donut I could have after the church service in the social lounge got me out of bed early (even on a spring ahead day). Also, the days before AF appears my sweets consumption triples. I don't want baby Z to be a sweet addict. So, what is my strategy for when I crave sweets? 1. I will drink a glass of ovaltine. Wow, ovaltine has quite the history it has been manufactured in the U.S. since 1915; it was originally called ovomaltine. 2. I'm not giving up ice cream in moderation...plus, think of all the calcium I'll be getting. Hum, I guess that's not really a plan.

I'm stopping now before I go off on another tangent (oooh think trig. functions).