Monday, February 26, 2007

Reprieve

I mourned my BFN all day Friday.
Luckily I had a reprieve from my sorrow.

I have been trying to find a job...not a nanny job. I really want to work with a different population of kids, for example, kids from a different socioeconomic status. I have been sending out applications via U.S. mail, and Internet; I have been averaging around 10/week over the past 3month. Well, someone finally read MY application and wanted to interview me. So, the interview was today. I was there for two hours.

There are many pros and cons to this position.

The pros:
1. Increased interaction with adults.
2. Helping children who otherwise would not have first rate care.
3. The opportunity to touch more lives.
4. The opportunity to be challenged.
5. The ability to be a member of a treatment plan team.
6. I'm qualified.
7. It's relevant to my degree.
8. It's a short commute.

The cons:
1. Possible dangerous work environment. Is this conducive to TTC? Is it even possible to do while pregnant?
2. Its 2nd shift.
3. Its non-profit i.e. the pay sucks.
4. It is religiously affiliated; I could not be out at work. I have always been out at work. I hate the idea of not being out at work.
5. The possibility that I would not be good at this job.
6. Having to support the program--What if I don't like the program?
7. My family does not support me in this position or any other low paying job for that matter.
8. At this point it is a temporary on-call position. A full time position should open up soon. This position has a high turn over rate.

Well, we will see if they even offer me the position. At this point I feel like I would take the position if they offer it to me. Speaking of positions....I wish I was in the position to start taking clomid, but, nooooooooooo I have not even started AF yet. If I am going to start, I want to start now. I have had negative dollar store hpt 13,14, and 15dpi. I am out of tests.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Sorrow

Well, what can I say? It's another BFN. I am devastated.

This is the first time I have felt as if my body had betrayed me. Normally, I just blame it on the .5cc of frozen sperm. Come to think of it doctor harry arms was sucking up the sperm into the catheter then squeezing it back out violently. He did it like 5 times; he said he was trying to get all the specimen into the catheter. But, I think he was just killing sperm.

And K...I don't know if you read this and if you do I'm sorry I'm not saying this to your face (and I'm not going to bother you on your vacation). But, It really is common knowledge that women who are having a hard time ttc are generally sensitive to everybody elses "wonderful news of conception". Unless it is a family member or a close close close friend--I don't want to know. Sorry if I have to wallow in my own sorrow of not being pregnant but, it is very difficult to be happy for everyone, and their mother, and the lady next door, and her thirteen-year-old crack addicted niece that are all knocked up. I do not consider L&R my friends. And I would be 110% surprised if they considered K&I their friends. Please don't tell them my business. And I'm sorry if you take offense to this as I'm not really mad at you--I am mad at the fact that other people are pregnant and I am not.

I hate when I feel as if our conception plans are in sync with the Universe; I hate when I see a sign in everything....and then it turns out to mean absolutely nothing. For example, this was my conception month, baby Z's due date would have been my birthday, according to the Farmers Almanac (thanks S) the day to "breed" was the day we did our insem (don't ask me how I became such a billy), and I had (what I believed to be) a wonderful meditation session last night where I drew the mother and child amulet. Indicating that I was ready to receive. I have recently been meditating on making a space for baby on the inside...not just preparations for the outside.

DP says, "It will happen for us", "I don't want you to be sad", and "I love you". Thank-you babe for the sensitivity, support, and love. I do feel the love.

So, we will do one more cycle on this protocol...50mg of clomid cd5-9, trigger, and prometrium beginning 2days after surge. Oh, and this maybe the last cycle with this donor. I have gotten pregnant by this donor before ending in m/c so, I think 6 times no live birth and your out. I'm sad to change donors. This donor was the only one who is as close to a true red head as they have. Going to another bank is not an option as it only costs $225/vile + $80 for shipping. Other banks cost a lot more or they get ya with shipping charges. I want a red head donor. I'm not even sure if I could make a red headed baby, but, that's not really the point. I wonder if I would be so stressed if this where not costing us so much money.

Okay, two more points:
1. Thanks to "The Secret" I now believe I am attracting all this non-pregnantness. Thanks, I needed the extra guilt. Oh, how wonderful, now, I'll attract more situations where extra guilt will arise. I'm sure my mother will call with in a matter of minutes to help me with this "add on extra guilt project".

2. Well, now I forgot number two.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

God/dess

Thank-you for making sure I had enough money to buy all the things I wanted yesterday.

Thank-you for giving me the steadfast to send off three applications yesterday (no matter how frustrated I was in getting all the info together)...I told the UPS person I would come back in and say, "Hi" when I got the job. That was after I told him I was half tempted to just shred my application. To which he replied, "we have a paper shredder". I thought he was being very helpful.

Thank-you for letting the UPS person talk me into mailing my stuff from their location...it was worth not letting myself be frustrated in the post office.

Thank-you for my local bagel shop...bagel shop you make the best bagels. Yum!

Thank-you for making it sunny yesterday...it could really be a much grayer winter.

Thank-you for this awesome pineapple that I bought yesterday...it is delicious. Thank-you J for helping me pick it out...I now know how to choose a ripe pineapple.

Thank-you for giving me the strength to continue to be a non-smoker for more than a year...after 15yrs. of smoking I never imagined being a non-smoker. Maybe I should start imagining things I never imagined.

Thank-you for giving me the love, support, and acceptance of my family and DP's family...without their support I don't know where DP and I would be.

Thank-you for today...

I'm off to do today.
Have a great day.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

u/e

The "good" things about being unemployed are few and far between, but, being home with DP when she has a snow day is by far the best. Oh, and to top-it-all-off it's Valentine's Day.

Thank-you to my neighbor J who plowed our driveway. That was the hook-up! We would have been shoveling for hours. I will make you some brownies and bring them over this evening. We should really hang out some time.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Back in...

We had our insem. yesterday at 10:30am. It went smoothly. DP took me out for brunch afterwards....I think we picked a name! I am soooo excited. So, I am officially 1dpi; I am back in the saddle again. Please give me the strength to be patient in this tww. Here's to round 7...lucky number 7. I have to start the prometrium tonight. Yuck! Oh, the things we will do to conceive.

Oh yeah, DP cousin and her boyfriend invited us over for dinner last night. It was soooo nice. We had a good time playing Mexican train...and I had the least points:) It was the first time we went out to their house. I had ovulation pains...beginning at 5pm. So, our timing is looking good. Funny how I can always bring a conversation back to ttc;)

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Yum!

I just made one of my favorite lunches:

Amy's tomato bisque soup
Mac-n-cheese spirals
Goat cheese
Red pepper chunks

Yes, mixed altogether. When I'm on a ttc break I always do/eat things I won't be able to do/eat when prego. For example, I eat tons of goat cheese.

I also made a yummy brown rice dish last night...I should post the recipe.

My surge line is getting darker; a positive OPK is right around the corner.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

INFJ

...copied from frog's blog, a fellow INFJ.

I italicized points that I strongly relate to at this point in time.

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
By: Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn (yes).

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates (and I thought it was the clomid). This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).
I am just beginning to understand the scope of this aspect--as a result of doing hospice care for a wonderful woman who will be missed.

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills (um..no..I wish). Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively. I need to read more about the career related INFJ info--I am so lost/stunted in this aspect of life.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Copyright © 1996-2007 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt