PPPM

I'm having a poor me moment with relatively little prompting. (And now it's really spiralled). My mom's 50th b-day is today. One of her friends is not coming to her party due to the fact that today is the day of her baby shower. (Yes, my mom told me about the baby shower on the phone knowing I've had a slew of negative hpts (well, not really but, knowing I'm not pregnant this cycle)). I have some jealous toward this woman (A) in part due to her relationship to my mom. A is my age; why does my mom have to have friends that are my age? Why is there friendship better than anything I could even dream of with my mom? (Yes, I'm totally exaggerating there). Why does A seem like the daughter my mom wishes she could have? (This is all in my head). Why does A get the six figure salary, the perfect husband, and the baby? (The life I could possible please my mom with)? Why can't I be happy and content in my life? Why does it seem everyone has it better? Why can't I be happy for any ones success's? Well, in this bitter frame of mind my only solace is that A has had a horrible, puke-filled pregnancy. Why do I have to be such a Bee? Why can't I even be an intrinsically nice person? Why do I have to ask so many stupid, unanswerable questions? But, really, we all know what the point is....Why can't I be pregnant right now--puking and all? Grrr.

Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me

Rewind

Gather the Women http://www.gatherthewomen.org/gtw/index.htm was an event I attended on St. Patricks Day. We celebrated the maiden, mother, and crone through various activities. One included choosing Medicine Cards, by: Jamie Sams & David Carson, for each (your maiden, mother, and crone).

For my maiden I choose the porcupine..."remind me, of innocence again, with every man a brother, each woman a friend...Your task is to find the pathway that is most beneficial for you and that uses your greatest talents...the reminder is, not to get caught in the chaos of the adult world where, fear, greed, and suffering are commonplace" (S & C 85-86).

For my mother I choose the rabbit, "...that they call those very fears to them to teach them lessons. What you resist will persist...What you fear most is what you will become...Stop talking about horrible things happening & get rid of "what if" in your vocabulary" (S & C 158).

For my crone I choose the salmon..."keeper of inner knowing, illuminate all that I can see, fill me with the love of learning, life's sacred wisdom offered to me" (S & C 232).

I mention the Medicine Cards because my experience with them prompted spiritual growth, a wonderful encounter, and amazing generosity. How can I explain this simply? Well, I was out of town the very next morning after Gather the Women, so, when B&M asked me what I wanted to do while on my visit (um, I really can't believe I thought I was going to stay with anyone else), I explained the type of store I thought I could find these cards at. M found two options; a couple days later B, M, and I went to check out the stores. The first store was it for me. I walked right in and found what I had come for (ooh, but did I want to pay $30 for it)?

As an afterthought I asked the owner of the store (B2) if she had anything for fertility (I'm not f-ing pregnant by the way...on to injectables...more on that later). I was thinking something like a statue for my alter. B2 asked me if I had ever done any pendulum work; I had not. To make a long story short the pendulum thing worked for me. I spent some time gathering crystals for my fertility medicine bag, at which time, I had become very attached to the pendulum I was working with (the pendulum was $29). These things were adding up, and you can imagine that someone who had not worked since November had no business buying the $30 cards let alone anything else. But, I'll do just about (okay I don't know how to cross out words so just imagine that I crossed out the two words--just about) anything in the name of fertility, so, I was willing to shell out the dough. Well, B&M treated me to all the things I had selected!! Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you B&M.

The encounter with B2 was wonderful. I had an instant love for her. I pray everyday that our paths cross again...soon.

J-O-B

I practiced all week staying up until midnight; thanks B&M for support with that:) Apparently, it has paid of as it is now midnight and I am wired. I'll just give one good/one bad about the new job for now. The good: I loved all the kids. The bad: It won't take long to figure out what staff I won't want to work with. I will just have to stay long enough to have my own group so, I can run it how I want to run it. Yes, newbie optimism abounds.

I have so many other lovely things going on--some I've yet to wrap my head around. I will, however, come back when I've figured it out.

Can't believe...

On the J-O-B front:

I met K yesterday during lunch time; it turned out to be a very productive meeting. K helped me draft a counter offer. Thank-you K:) I wrote it down word for word. I told her I would not be able to add any other words (so true of me). So, I tried to make a counter offer, but, failed miserably. This is what I said, "I really want to accept this position. My only hesitation is the rate of pay your starting me out as. I really need $XX per hour. Is that something your willing to lobby for--for me"? I made some other really good points, including the fact, that they completely discounted my 13yrs. of nanny experience (he totally admitted to this); when in fact my nanny experience is directly related to this position (he totally admitted to this). This could have been a good paying position for me. I would have been dedicated for--I don't know possibly 13+yrs. but no. I blame the universe, f the law of attraction. I just can't get a break anywhere. He said HR puts my info into there "formula" thereby determining my pay rate--they do not negotiate. He supposedly had no idea what the formula involved or consisted of. Believe it or not I took the damn job. Imagine...my tail between my legs, and me slinking away defeated.

I will say this again (maybe I will listen): The money is not the point. I need a new experience. I need to be challenged. (and being challenged by an over-indulged, spoiled six-year-old is not what I had in mind). I need to work for my sanity. I need to contribute something financially to the household. Pay increases do not equate job satisfaction. Large salaries do not equate personal happiness. In fact the more money one has the more worries they have. Less is more. Okay so I have a J-O-B. I am going to forget about the money. But, it is just so frustrating to know that I could have, should have started out at more--but, I'm not. The story of my life. Can I get over this? No, I hold on to shit for a long, long time...forever really. This would really be a good time to work on LETTING GO. Oh, thank-you universe for providing an opportunity for me to work on letting go. Why does gratitude have to be so difficult?

So, I can't believe I took the job. I can't believe I bought a plane ticket to go visit my fam down south. I can't believe I actually felt ovulation pains on my right side for the first time that I can remember. You didn't think I would go a whole post without talking about ttc did you? 1dpi, 13 more to go.

Done deal

1, 2, 3 like a bird I sing. 'Cause you've given me the most beautiful set of wings... Gotta love Tim McGraw. "Your beautiful baby from the outside in..."

Okay, so I talked to my DD after I wrote the previous post. He has the wonderful ability to put things into perspective. He reminded me that money is not everything. This happens to be the point. I know from experience that a pay increase does not equal job satisfaction. I can make more money as a nanny, but that is not the point....I need to have a new experience. D you give great advice, the delivery is so loving, and I love and appreciate you.

My insem went well:) It's a done deal; we are back in the tww. DP had me rolling in the doc's office. She said, "no I will not make out with you". But she did;) Okay, you want some facts? 22mil. sperm; 5o% motility; 80%,3 forward progress. This donor has been consistent. Now we wait. After the insem we went to eat frozen yogurt with strawberries, peaches, and mango (my favorite thing to do after an insem) Yum! Thank-you DP. On our way back to the car I stopped to pick up two pennies; DP said, "heads up; twins"! That would sure alleviate the stress of ttc #2 (which, of course one has to plan). I could get it done at once. Getter done. Okay, when the heck did I become such a billy? Ttc #1....focus.

I'm off to have lunch with a friend.

WTF!

WTF! The job offer was even lower than I expected. So, low I might have to decline. Why can't anything go right for me? Universe? Law of Attraction? I don't know what the f*ck to do. I do know I am pissed.

In other news...I had my ultrasound today. I had 5 measurable/mature follies on the right side (some 19s and one 25). I cried about it. Last cycle I had around 8 or 9. I know it only takes one. And that 25 is big and juicy. Ovulation is on its way (with a little help)--NP gave me an ovidril shot. I asked the NP based on how I respond to clomid how does she think I will respond to femera. She said, I would have less follies. Why the f*ck would I want that? So, if I did get prego it would be less scary i.e. reduced risk of multiples. Multiples? I'm not scared of multiples...I'm scared of not getting pregnant.

Well, fear aside my insem is tomorrow at 9:45am. Please send positive vibes; I need them. I'll also take any advice on this pathetic job offer (I could make more money collecting cans). Sorry I had to use the f-word so many times today, but, man somethin's gotta give.

F,S,W

I am so frustrated, stressed, worried about so many things right now. One of the side effects of this worry is complete paralysis: my inability to get anything done. How am I ever going to ovulate normally this cycle with all this worry?

1. I worry for C and her future. Unfortunately, I worried about her from 3am-5:30am. When I woke up I typed a page on what I think she needs to do to get her life in order...I wish I knew what to do to get my own life in order. I should have gotten up at 3am to typed what I was thinking. Update: I talked with C. While, the conversation went well, I have no idea if it had any effect. She has a long road ahead of her. I wish I could drop everything, go down there, and "fix" everything. There is a benefit to me being up here i.e. I have not had to deal with C and her erratic behavior so, I'm not at my wits end with her. In a way I'm not emotionally involved so I am able to stay partial. I am mostly focused on solutions. I have 100% confidence in her recovery, ability, and success (when ever it actually begins). I definitely would love to hear experiences, advice, and ideas about dealing with someone with addiction issues.

2. I am in charge of ordering the food for my mom's 50th (yes, she is young). Yes, ordering the food is a stressful prospect for me. She asked me what I was going to order, so, I told her. She hated it all. I was going to order: a fruit-, vegetable-, cheese tray, chicken skewers, shrimp platter, and a red velvet cake. The only thing she liked was the fruit tray because we are going to have a chocolate fountain (and yes she had something to say about the kind of chocolate). She was thinking dove or ghirardelli. I honestly feel like I am back at square one. And truthfully, no matter what I would have said it would not have been right, good enough, or okay. I told her this is just food for a party this is not a measure of how much I love her. I asked her to please not rate me as a daughter based on what food I order. She says, "why do you always have to be so intense".

3. My frustration is surrounding the job I am trying to obtain. They are in no hurry to actually hire anyone, yet, It is really my only lead. I need to work; I need money. They have called my references and I hope to hear something this week. Actually, I am going to call tomorrow. So, will I get the job? Will I be any good at the job if I get it? Will my personal safety be compromised in this position? Why am I trying so hard for a 2nd shift position, with bad pay, and possibly crappy working conditions? The biggest downfall is that my mom does not support the position--at all. DP says, "follow your own passion...not your mothers". Update: R, the person doing the hiring, called today to find out if I had all my paperwork together (I do); R said he would talk with HR and call me within two days with a formal job offer. Pray it's a doable salary, considering it's a non-profit. DP supports me (to quit) if...I find out the position is not for me. I think I may be painting a perfect picture of my loving DP...well, had you smelt her stinky ass, and her even stinkier lunch of black bean burgers and greens--you all would really see what I have to deal with around here.

Other issues on my mind....

4. Ovulation and waiting for a positive OPK.
5. I have not had soda in 3days. It sucks! It is the new thing I'm giving up. Next on the list: sweets. On a normal day I eat a cadbury egg (I've eaten about two dozen since they brought them out early around Halloween), 3-5 cookies, and ice cream. I love cake, cookies, and pie. Oh, my all time favorite....Donuts!! Thinking of the donut I could have after the church service in the social lounge got me out of bed early (even on a spring ahead day). Also, the days before AF appears my sweets consumption triples. I don't want baby Z to be a sweet addict. So, what is my strategy for when I crave sweets? 1. I will drink a glass of ovaltine. Wow, ovaltine has quite the history it has been manufactured in the U.S. since 1915; it was originally called ovomaltine. 2. I'm not giving up ice cream in moderation...plus, think of all the calcium I'll be getting. Hum, I guess that's not really a plan.

I'm stopping now before I go off on another tangent (oooh think trig. functions).

Sunday

Yesterday, we drove by the church we go to when we go to church. DP said, "we should go to church more often". I said, "well, we could start tomorrow"! The subject was dropped. During our family walk with the dogs after dinner, DP said, "lets go to church tomorrow, go home eat lunch, and then walk at the local state park". Did a UFO abduct my wife in the middle of the night and switch her with a compliant clone? This is my idea of the perfect Sunday morning; I would love, love it if this was our new routine. I would love it even more if it were a routine DP supported and wanted to be involved in.

C cont...

The protocol for plan C also includes cd3 blood work (estradiol, FSH, prolactin, and thyroid stimulating hormone). I also have a sonohysterogram scheduled, after AF before surge; in which, saline is injected via catheter through the cervical opening. The whole kit-n-caboodle is viewed with a sonogram. I am still trying to figure out the logistics of the procedure...a speculum, a catheter, and the wand--all at the same time? But, like B says, hopefully I won't need plan C. Thank-you B.

Plan C & D

Today was my appointment with the RE.

I left the office with the "purple folder". That means we are getting more aggressive, pulling out the big guns so to speak. So, if after this cycle I am not pregnant we move on to plan C. We will switch to Femera coupled with Gonal F--it's called a hybrid cycle.

Having a plan gives me renewed optimism.

The Gonal F costs $597.99/cycle. Pray that my insurance will cover it; my insurance has been wonderful so far. Hopefully, we don't have to go down this road....and this cycle will be the cycle I get pregnant.

After 3cycles of injectables (Gonal F), on to plan D, !^#.....I'm not ready to utter those letters. Yes, this is a long way from the unmedicated cycles, at home, with a mid-wife inseminations I once desired. Oh, the plan A days. Now, I will do what ever it takes...dope me up.

DP and I met for lunch to further discuss the plan. She said, "you need to go get a credit card".

From Above

Last week I had a dream...six numbers were revealed to me. So, I went out and did what anyone, who had six numbers revealed to them, would do; I bought a lottery ticket. This was the 2nd time I ever bought a lottery ticket. I did not win the lottery, despite using positive thinking/law of attraction techniques obtained from the book, "The Secret". I imagined my numbers on the balls, I herd my wining numbers being called out, and I saw my winning numbers displayed on the television. Further, I acted as if I had already won (except actually spending the money). I did, however, plan out exactly what I would do with the money I now had, what I would buy (i.e. a hybrid not a hummer), who I would help, and how.

Fast forward a couple days...
I'm in the library. I come across a book that I thought to be perfect in my quest of becoming a better, more informed parent; it is called "100 Promises to My Baby" by: Mallinka Chopora. I love this book. I recommend it to anyone that is or is going to be a parent, teacher, or child-care provider. As I was reading, one of the promises struck a cord in me. I immediately thought, "I am going to copy this page and share it with my mother". I glanced up at the number it was 11 (one of my numbers from above). I thought, "how funny". I continued reading on, when another one of the promises particularly struck a cord in me. This one was something I really need to work on, perhaps even before the baby Z is born. Yes, this promise was associated with another one of my numbers from above.

I don't know if all six numbers will correlate with a promise that I need to work on, meditate with, or contemplate or if the other 4 numbers will be revealed to have some other meaning in my life.

Thank-you God for giving me this time in my journey to become the person, wife, and parent I want/need to be. Thank-you for leading me to this book.

P.S.
I've had enough time please send baby Z (from above) this month--she would be a Sagittarius just like her muma (DP) and that works in our family. Note: DP would be saying, "he". Hopefully, if I get my way it will be baby "Z" either way.

Here is the TTC update: try #8, I am cd7, 3rd day of clomid 50mg, apt. with RE cd9 to discuss long term conception plans, u/s cd15, insem cd16--tentatively.

Book List

Copied from: Fostering Pride

I figured this would be a good way to keep track of books I want to read (it may even motivate me to read some of them). I have a life time reading list....some where.


Instructions: in bold=have read the book; in italics=want to read the book; with pound#=own the book; with asterisks*=unfamiliar with the book; with XX=really no desire to read.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)*
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)*
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)#
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)*
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)#
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)*
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)*
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)#
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)#
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)#
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)#
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)*
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)XX
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) I Love Ayn Rand
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)*
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)*
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)*
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)*
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)*
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)XX
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)#
45. Bible#
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)*
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)#
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)*
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)#
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)*
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)*
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) Notes from Underground is a fav.
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)XX
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davies)*
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)*
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70.The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)#
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)#XX
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)*
73. Shogun (James Clavell)*
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)XX
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)*
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)*
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)*
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)*
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)#
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)*
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)*
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)*
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)XX
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)*
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)*
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)#
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)*
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd) #
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)XX
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)XX
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)# Love it!
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)